If you’re a man taking out a woman on a first date, you’re in trouble right from the start. Even before you cup your hands over your mouth and nose for the 10th time to check for halitosis, you know that you’re about to be judged by a range of criteria that’s entirely alien to you.

Men with credit cards are still from Mars…

You’re a simple soul. All you want is someone with a hot body, a great face, and an ability to laugh at your jokes, regardless of whether they’re funny. But what does she want? If you, as a man, have all of those, you’re off to a good start. But a start is all it is.

It doesn’t matter how much you look like McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy. If your boss regularly accuses you of being too dreamy, and your day job is serving Big Macs, your date is likely to subject you to careful scrutiny on a whole laundry list of stringent criteria.

And one of those may be the credit card with which you pay the bill (assuming she lets you) at the end of the evening of your first date. It’s not that you necessarily have to pick the most prestigious piece of plastic from your wallet, but it might be a good idea to match the card you use to the interests your date displayed during your time together. If you didn’t bother to elicit her interests, it’s unlikely to matter how (or how much) you pay.

Rewards credit cards that backfire?

Yes, you and your close friends who hang with you in your mom’s basement know how cool World of Warcraft (WoW) is. But, for some inexplicable reason, not all women instantly recognize this as a simple, indisputable fact.

That’s why (unless you’re happy yet again to postpone Your First Time) it’s often unwise to try to justify at length your close interest in this Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game on your first date. It could be similarly counterproductive if you were to decide to pay at the end of that date with your World of Warcraft Rewards Visa card, even if you have opted to have that card personalized to display your very own online character.

Not that it’s a bad card; at least, not if you like World of Warcraft. There’s no annual fee, and you get a one-off free month of WoW gaming providing you use your card during your first three billing cycles. After that, you can redeem the points you earn from these rewards credit cards for online game time.

Again, this is a question of playing your (credit) cards right. If your date speaks fluent Klingon, or if you met her at a Doctor Who convention, then by all means flash your plastic with pride. It could see you finally crossing that frustratingly distant final frontier. Otherwise, not so much.

Rewards that could blow her away…far away

Exactly the same strategic approach to credit card use when dating applies to those products emblazoned with the National Rifle Association logo. If your and her eyes met across a crowded shooting range in Dallas (come to think of it, if they met across pretty much anywhere in Texas), then there’s a good chance that, once she’s seen your NRA card, she’ll be as responsive to your needs as a Glock 19 with a ghost tactical trigger modification (whatever that is).

However, if you first encountered each other in a more liberal environment, such as the Museum of Contemporary Art in Los Angeles or on a Boston university campus, you may prefer to pay your date check with anything other than NRA plastic.

Of course, the NRA card has a lot going for it. After all, how many CEOs of credit card companies are likely to knowingly alienate people who may be inclined to hand-sew extra-long pockets into their outer garments in order to discreetly carry pump-action shotguns?

The NRA Platinum Edition Visa card is one of many low interest credit cards, with an interest rate as low as 11.99 percent APR, contingent on your credit score. Meanwhile, the NRA Maximum Rewards Visa card offers 1,000 bonus points as long as you use it at least once during your first three billing cycles. Neither card has an annual fee, and both promise “Every purchase you make helps support valuable NRA programs.”

This is a card that they’d have to pry from your cold, dead hands. Though not necessarily from those of your date.

That’ll do nicely (but choose your AmEx wisely)

According to Julie Burchill (whom some regard as a bit of a feminist), “Wherever there are rich men trying not to feel old, there will be young girls trying not to feel poor.”

If you met your age-inappropriate date through an online escort agency, and have always wanted to play the Richard Gere role in Pretty Woman, feel free to flourish an American Express Centurion card (also known as the “Black card”), should you be fortunate enough to have one.

However, if you first encountered your sweetie in an Occupy Wall Street camp, while you were lost en route between your corner office at Goldman Sachs and your Park Avenue penthouse, you might do better to choose another American Express product, perhaps one of its prepaid cards or that one it does in partnership with Costco…something a little more plebian.

Failing that, suggest to her that in protest of capitalism’s oppression of the masses, the two of you skip out before the check arrives. Just kidding!

Credit cards for the confirmed bachelor

Bank of America offers a credit card that carries the image and signature of Betty Boop. If you Google “Betty Boop gay icon,” then (at least at the time of writing) you’re likely to find “About 1,620,000 results (0.23 seconds).”

If you’re thinking of paying with one of these at the end of your first evening with the woman of your dreams, just…don’t. You might just as well ask her back to your place to hear your uniquely comprehensive collection of show tunes. Either way, she’s going to decide that you’re her new BFF, and, no matter what happens later, she’s never, ever going to think of you “that way” again.

No chance, though, of her mistaking your orientation if you, er, flash your Hooters MasterCard. True, according to the company’s website, you’ll earn:

• 5 points for every dollar you spend at Hooters Restaurants
• 1 point for every dollar you spend on your Hooters MasterCard elsewhere

You can cash in your Hooters rewards for more Hooters memorabilia, or simply trade them in for credit to your account. But if you’re playing the field, you may find that fewer and fewer women are attracted to guys who objectify them. And, if you haven’t yet realized that, you may have more to worry about than your breath.

Published 10/21/11